This is not the life I want!! Everyday pretending. Even I myself also feels that I'm a rubbish! ><

This is not the life I want!! I'm feeling insecure. Every move I take its just to protect myself but ends up, I'm lost!!

Hates everything besides me! Hates the way I'm being treated! I just hate it! I'm done!!! I'm really done with all these things!

After few more days, my mind is still so messed up. I still couldn't get you out of my mind.

Gosh!! How come?! =(

I thought i could get rid of you. I thought i could forget. I thought i could cool down and think carefully. But i couldn't when i thought of you.. argh~!! God help me please!! =(((

I don't dare to see. Don't dare to think.

I finally decided to hide again.

Like an ostrich~ I'm always like that.

Sorry! Sorry to disappoint you! Take care~

This morning when i first received your message, i really stunned. I never expect you would still message me, and this time, you're angry.. how come you always misunderstood what i said? How come?

Yesterday's last post, I've already made up my mind to accept everything I've done. But your one message really pull me down to think again. I'm stupid! I don't know how to reject people. I'm soft hearted. If say more rudely, i'm always giving myself loads and tonnes of excuses.

That day when we chatted outside the restaurant, saw you crying, I wish i could hug you and say:" don't cry. heart pain." But end up, i just shakes your hand. I scare i would do something to hurt you more deeply. I scare i can't control myself when i see you. It a habit to be with you.

Now, i really hates this situation. I'm turning back to the situation 2 days back. I'm stucked inside again. I started to give myself a lot of questions. Do i love you for real? Do you love me for real? Or my love is just a habit of loving you? Its lame! I believe its excuses given for myself to release from burden.. AGAIN...

I told Issac that I want to concentrate on my studies, if anything affects it, i would better dump it.. but how could i do so? easily...? How would you do if you're in my position? teach me! I'm angry! to drag on like that!!! =(

Released~

Packing Packing Packing up~ Packing all my loves to you into a box.. When i'm free, i'll have a look..

Feels better after a little while chat with Issac.. Thanks a lot. You really did bring me out from going to the dead end. =D

Mario Zais are being abandoned as a result of divorcement of daddy and mummy.. poor little kid.. mummy will visit you all often.. But not everyday on the bed already. Something that needs to be let go, should be gone. Regret couldn't describe me now, cos i couldn't be! I'm an adult and should be responsible for whatever thing i decided. So, no use to be regretful now. I was WRONG, therefore i couldn't be doing the wrong thing again and again.

Used to talk to my mario zai when i had argument with u.. even scold them as i treated them as u.. hahahahaha =D but now, i'm gonna keep everything inside my memory box. Lock it. No one could gain access. Except myself. Thanks for giving me a nice memory to be put in. Wish u good good XD

Left or Right? End up Straight

What position i'm at right now?

How i use my heart to see things now?

Do i love you? Do i love him?

How come i'm feeling that the history is repeating..?

Same heart crashed.

I don't really love you when i'm with you.

Honestly, it's because you appear at the correct timing, then, you din't bother about me. I felt pain, cuz i thought i choose the wrong one. After some time, your attitude changed. Better! I'm willing to do a lot of things because of you. Slowly, i really fall in love with you. I could be with you at home whole day long, never complain of boredom, because seeing you would fill my day with joy.

Happy time flies. We started to lack out of topic. Communication breaks down. When you talk, i don't understand, when i talk, you don't bother. It has been some time where this situation continue. You accompanied me through this advanced diploma's life. Everyday after class, a MUST action is to wait you to have dinner. Hug you. Kiss you. I miss the time. Everyday seemed filled for me. But i hate the time we argued, we quarreled. Really wasted a lot of tears and time quarreling.. If i have a time machine, i would never start the quarrel.

Honestly, you're the first guy who made me cried for like few hundreds of times. You're also the first guy who ask for break up every time. You're the first one who i will always follow your wish. You're the first one who i will always try to entertain you. You're the first one who i cook dishes for you. You're the first one who i never even dare to angry of you overnight.

Although we started in an unexpected way, but, You're always the first one of many things.

Now, what is the condition?

You asked me not to drag you. I wanted to forget about you TOO! I don't wanna remember you as my "bi".. I THOUGHT i've get rid of our memory after being together with him. Din't expect there's still a lot of things popped out when i'm writing this. Yesterday, i told you to let go. I don't wanna drag you, don't wanna waste your time. I was wrong. Cuz i thought i won't be looking back anymore. Now, when i'm thinking, i see back the history.

Just a simple words from you. It really killed my heart. I was stunned when i saw that. I finally understand about your feelings. If this is your purpose of writing so, Congratz, you've succeed. You really did hurt me before you go. I never know what you do will still have impact on me. Still recalling our talk few days back. Its really relax. As what i recall, we have never had such conversation when we date. NEVER! I love the feeling, if we are still together, it would be great. In my heart, i kept thinking about being back together, but i'll never take action. I guess you noe me, i'm this kind of person. Pathetic to be one.

I see that you said your parents like her.

Gratz too. Hope everything will end well for you and her. Maybe, what i said yesterday is really true. Once pain is better than long dragging pain. I'll let go. Memory will stay. Just for me to remember. Bye my dear. Really do take care and good luck for your future undertakings. You would be one rich man! But don't forget of having such ex.

=heart ends=

MESSED!! =(

Clarice Yap!!! wake up wake up and wake up!!!

NO NO NO!! It won't hurt you anymore.. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T.T it is pain.. ='( why are you still having this ability? Compared to you, i think my life is totally messed up.

Hope you WONT be seeing this. Wanna close my blog to private, but i duno how.. idiot as usual~ =(

wanna cry a~~~!!!!!

calm down calm down.. nth's gonna hurt u.. he's letting u feel how he felt.. great! now u got to feel that.. and OUCH! it is pain, damn fuking pain!!! Get out from my body you fuking stupid heart!

Congratz! You won! Cos i still love.. damn stupid feeling! ARGH~

I LOVE YOU!

My heart pains when i thought she's your close girl friend.

I pretend i don't care. I pretend it doesn't hurt at all. I pretend not hearing. I pretend that i'm okay in front of u. I pretended. Did you realized?

I try to kill your hopes. When talk to you in phone, i really felt enlighten and happy. We've NEVER talk like that before. I love that time, you were talking patiently, listening to me. How good if everything could happen before everything goes wrong? Hope i wish~

It's good to let us know, dragging like this comes no benefit to both of us. It's not only you, those who really give out loves, HURTS! Sorry. It might not be the best word to mention, but, that's the only word.

Hope you would be fine. Hope you could succeed in everything. You're great! You really are!

I have almost forgotten about the feeling..

Because it never appear for some time when i'm with you..

I never worry you will run away from me because of some other girls..

This is call stable i guess? This is call secured i guess? This is call trust i guess?

The only problem we have was understanding. I don't have the problem right now, but i have a lot of other problems.

I'm feeling insecure. I'm scared. I'm losing trust. I don't believe. I'm alone.

I'm so damn worried and scared!

When i pick up the call today.. i don't know it will end up like that.

YOU! are still you... when YOU're fucked up.. u won't listen to others. Thats you..

after so long, i merely forgotten what person you are.. in my memory, you're so nice to me, b4 we really break apart now..

THE CALL, has really waken me up.. nothing has changed and nothing can be done.. i never ever think of stepping inside your life.. NEVER! believe or not, up to you.. i know no matter what i said, its just rubbish for you..

When i was scolding, did you ever noticed that i almost cry? I thought i can live peacefully, but one call destroyed everything, even my heart.. after v are separated, i still kena scolded.. why? i'm good to scold?? i've tolerate too much in the past, you're the first one who scolded me like no one cares and yet i still loved you.. But now.. i wont!

You have your life and i'll have mine.. Hope it wont happen again and i wont be picking up any phone calls from you and shouting at me.. You should not have the power to hurt me anymore! NEVER!

I miss you, there's alot alot of things to tell you.. But i could oni talk to thin air now... :(

it has been quite some time since i last heard about u.. i guess u 're living quite well.. 2 mths past, tepat tepat 2 months.. hmm~ found back one of our couple ring in my bag, where's urs?? some where in rubbish bin.. =( yea, it did remind me of sth of us, but its fading off.. ur image in my heart is blurred. Never see u on9 anymore, i guess u blocked me cos u really dun wanna hear frm me anymore..

wanna ask, "how are you?"

yea~ totally lost connection with u.. anything of u, i would never noe.. i still living those life, wanna go for part time job, but time table is full of studies.. n SHU accepted my application, gonna prepare for UK edi.. i'm quite excited.. how if v r still together? could v go thru this separation?? i think negatively, n d answer will be NO.. i guess i made a correct choice.. no more sorry to reduce my guilty, i'm glad to know dat u r better den last time.. u r free! yeapie!!! really hope everything good ll fall on u.. thank you so much!